Devilishly Departmental: Part Deux

Devilishly Departmental: Part Deux

[SceneI: The Throneroom]
[Satan and his new agent, Agent 665, are in his throne room going over the agenda.]


Agent 665: Allright, first item. You have a 9:30 appointment with a Mr. Daniels for violin
          lessons.
Satan: Violin lessons? What the hell kind of evil is that? In fact, that's really NOT evil. That's
           just stupid.
Agent 665: [Waving his hands] Something about Georgia and Golden Fiddles, and some kid
           named "Johnny"....the information is really kind of sketchy.
Satan: Burn them! Burn the piss out of them!
Agent 655:  Well, if we did that....[looks at his sheet of paper] we will lose 67%, roughly, of
          our profits from eBay. Those little trailer rats love useless crap.
Satan: Oh. Can't we just singe them a bit then?
Agent 665:  No. Besides, the commissioner of the Southeastern Conference is in Georgia.
          His contract doesn't expire until 2017.
Satan: Damn! Damn! Damn! [Pounds his fist]
Agent 665: Ok, next order of business. The Vatican has decided to up its original requests
          for bleeding Jesus sculpture from one a year to seven. And they are also requesting
          an extension of the rental agreements for the souls of lecherous priests.
Satan: Absolutely not on the first. What are they offering on the second?
Agent 665: A 'Nuns of the Convent' yearly calendar, a Civil War commemorative chess set,
          a subscription to the cheese of the month club, and 25% off at Hot Topic.
Satan: Did you say 'Nuns of the Convent"? And cheese?
Agent 665: Yup!
Satan: I certainly do love nuns and cheese....
Agent 665:  ...and it's a pretty nice chess set, too.
Satan: [Thinks for a moment] Ok. tell them yes, but only an extra month. Meanwhile, I want
          the calendar over there next to the throne, the cheese on one of those big silver
          platters over there [Points], and funnel the rest to our eBay store. No, wait. Forward
          the discount card to Golgotha; she may need spare parts.
Agent 665: Very good, sir. Next item: Jesus called. He wants to sit down.
Satan: Again?! We just did that two millenia ago next Tuesday.
Agent 665: He's really pretty adamant about this. We really should pencil him in. How about
          three o'clock in the main conference hall? We'll just cancel your weekly round of golf
          with Tiger Woods. Besides, we can always reschedule.
Satan: [Sighs] Fine! Damn!
Agent 665: We can always set it for another time....
Satan: No, damnit! Let's get this stupid crap over with! In fact, bump it up to umm...noontime.
          We'll make it a lunch thing. That way I can still play golf. I got your ass this time, Tiger!
          [Raises fist to the air]
Agent 665: Ok, that should cover everything for today.
Satan: Let's see, what time is it? [Looks at his watch] Ahh, 8:45. Time for a quick sulphur
          rinse, and then off to the races!
Agent 665: As you wish, sire.

[Exit Satan]
[End Scene]
[Scene II: The Main Conference Hall of Hell]
[Satan and Agent 665 awaits Jesus and his men.]
[Satan is reading Reader's Digest Magzine]
[Agent 665 is picking his nose and trying to flick it off his fingertip]

Satan: [Chuckling] Oh, Reader's Digest, laughter really is the best medicine!
          [Closes the magazine.]
          Where are they?! It's almost 1:00 for chrissakes!
Agent 665: [Chuckling]
Satan: What?
Agent 665: Nothing. You just said 'christ's sake'....
Satan: Oh, yeah, Ha!. That's pretty funny, actually.
Agent 665: Yeah...
[Enter Jesus and his two goons]
Jesus: Satan!
Satan: Jesus! Wonderful to see you! I hope the flight was to your liking?
Jesus: Eh. It was ok. A little bumpy around the tokhes, but ok.
Satan: You want I should fetch a charioteer for you next time? You haven't traveled to the
           Underworld until you've done it by chariot!
Jesus: Oh, you musn't trouble. I'll be fine! I'll just get another one. Dad's got tons of extras.
          I was thinking of something athletic and Nigerian. [Poses and looks at his rear end]
Satan: Why mess with perfection?
Agent 665: [Ushering towards a table and chairs] Gentlemen? Shall we?
Satan: [Sits down at the head of the table] Have some challah made fresh this morning,
          Jesus. You're a wine man, aren't you? Wine all around! And bring some of those
          fish ball things, too.
Agent 665: As you wish, sire.
[Exit Agent 665]
Jesus: Really, Satan, you worry too much. Forget me! Let's get on with things. We can
          have fish and bread later, but now....now, let's talk.
Satan: By all means. How terrible of me. Please, continue.
Jesus: The other day, Ishmael comes to me...
[Enter Agent 665 with a plate of bread and fish balls, and a bottle of wine.]
Agent 665: Here we are, Gentlemen!
Jesus: [Rolling his eyes] Thank you...
Goon #1: Could ya' pass the challah, boss?
Jesus: [Staring at the goon in amazement] Murray, forget the challah! Eat on your own time.
          [Under his breath] Schmuck. Anyways, Ishmael comes to me the other day and
          says to me, 'Hey, Boss, Satan is making bleeding sculptures for the priests. I thought
          this was our job!' So, I says to myself  'How could this be? This very good friend of
          mine? Renting out bleeding sculptures with my face on them? This can't be true of
          this person.'
Satan: Outrageous!
Agent 665: Yes, that's crazy. [Looks briefly at Satan who looks back at him.]
Jesus: That's good, boys....
Goon #2: [With a mouth full of food] Yeah, that's good for them! Tell 'em, Boss!
Jesus: I'm tellin' 'em, already! Don't talk wit' your mouth full! [Smacks Goon #2] Like I was
          sayin', that's good. Because if'n I ever found out someone was tryin' to move in on my
          business - you know what I would do?
Satan: Make them watch Ishtar?
Agent 665: Good one! [Satan and Agent 665 discreetly high-five and snicker at each other
          in agreement]
Jesus: Gentlemen, I don't think you are taking this seriously. [Takes a fish ball and tosses it
          into his mouth] and when I don't think someone isn't taking me seriously, it makes
          me angry. [Clears his throat and grabs another fsh ball] Listen, if I find out you've
          been making anything, ...and I mean ANYTHNG for the priests, I will send you back
          to work for Disney until the sun explodes. Get me? [Eats the second fish ball and
          coughs]
Satan: Yeah, I got it. Geez!
Agent 665: [Winces]
Jesus: Excuse me, you little punk? [Coughs heartily now]
Agent 665: Jesus, have a glass of wine. [Pours a glass of wine for Jesus]
Jesus: [Coughing] Thank you, my son. [Drinks the wine and clears his throat] Four billion
          years and you still haven't learned any manners? Satan, what have you been doing
          with yourself? Look at you. Who do you think you are? Mel Gibson? [Begins
          coughing again]
Satan: Lord of the Pit?
Jesus: You're about ...[Coughs profusely]
Goon #1: Boss....[Both goons stand up]
Goon #2: You don't look so good, boss. [Satan and Agent 665 look at each other briefly]
Jesus: [Feeling nautious, stops coughing for a moment] You know boys, you're right. I don't
          feel well. [Begins coughing again; shoots an angry look at Satan and Agent 665]
Goon #1:  Come on, Boss. Let's get you some rest.
Goon #2: Yeah, you got yourself all worked up and stuff.
               [The goons help the coughing Jesus up out of his chair]
Jesus: [Struggling to hold his breath] This ain't over, you two. I'll be back.
Satan: I'll have my people call you in three days.
Goon #1: Hey, don't get so smart, wise guy, or I'll twist your horns backwards to poke you in
               your ass.
Goon #2: [Chuckles oafishly; Jesus begins to cough again]
               [Exit Jesus]
               [Exit Goon#1]
               [Exit Goon #2]
Satan: [Awestruck] What the HELL just happened?
Agent 665: Umm, I think we just pissed off the son of god.
Satan: [Picks up a fish ball and looks at it] What did you put in these?
Agent 665: Just what you said: fish balls.
Satan: [Pausing in disbelief] You put WHAT in these?
Agent 665: You said bring in some wine and fish balls.
Satan: You fed the son of God the balls of a fish? I didn't even know fish had balls!
Agent 665: How was I supposed to know? I mean, he fed everybody with fish!
Satan: Yeah, sure, but he never ate any himself.
Agent 665: Ahh, right. Eww, ok, my bad. [Sighs] So, what do we do now?
Satan: We? No, sir. Me! I'll be enjoying margaritas off the tits of a dragon on the beaches
           of Titan in about two hours. You will likely be left to polish Mickey's one good eye
           as he hits an eightball or two off of Alice's Teacups. Sounds, great, but no thank you!
Agent 665: What the hell, man?
Satan: [Mockingly Singing] Oh, I'm the Devil and I don't care!
Agent 665: I've organized your social calendar and appointments, I've laughed at your stupid
          jokes, cooked and fed you, and let's not forget that case of Velorian Herpes you got
          from that overly-fertile whatever-you-call-them-things...
Satan: It was a Chocolate H'gruk Gruk.
Agent 665: ...that's it! A Chocolate [stumbling over the words] H'gruk Gruk, which I still
          don't know how that happened since there were no holes in her body.
Satan: There is now! [Laughs at himself]
Agent 665: ...
Satan: What? It's all in the wrist! [Looks at his watch] Speaking of....I'm famished. Let's get
           something to eat.
Agent 665: [Pouting] Have some fish balls.
Satan: Yeah, well, I think I'm going to go out tonight. Want I should pick you up something?
Agent 665: Really?
Satan: Hell, no! [Cackles]
          [Exit Satan]
          [End Scene]

[Scene III: On The Moon of Titan]
[Satan awaits one of his mistresses while conducting business on the phone]

Satan: [Talking on the phone and pacing] Listen, Benny, I appreciate your interest in our
          product but upping the number of bleeding Jesus sculptures from one to seven can
          upset the balance of things if we don't space these things out.
          ...
          Seriously, you're going to coach me on the business of evil, now?
          ...
          Benny...[Trying to interrupt]...Benny, no dice, man. Listen, I got another call coming
          in - I got to take this. I'll send you the first one on Thursday in Brooklyn, NY. Bye!
          [Answers the second caller]
          [In a pleasant voice] Prince of Darkness.....?
          ...
          Mr. President! Good to hear from you. What can I do for you?
          ...
          Wait a minute, ... ok....ok! Slow down!
          ...
          Well, who cares if the Republicans are stonewalling you?
          ...
          Uh huh...? I tell you what, [Sighs] I'll talk to Sarah tomorrow and see if she'll consider
          it, and if that doesn't work, we'll send in the Tea Partyers.
          ...
         Yeah, I know they're racist but they hate Republicans. After all, the enemy of my
          enemy....Tell me about it! Hey, listen, I got company on the way. I'll talk to you
          later, k? Ok, Barack, talk to you soon. Buh-bye.
          [Hangs up]
          [There's a knock at the door; Satan answers]
          Baby, am I glad to see you!
Lilith:  Satan! [Kisses Satan on the cheek and enters]
Satan: How long has it been? Two? Two and a half thousand years?
Lilith:  [Sings a stanza from Barbara Streisand's You Don't Bring Me Flowers]
          "You don't bring me flowers, you don't write me love songs...."
Satan: Yeah, yeah, I know. I've been busy.
Lilith:  Busy? Too busy for me?
Satan: Listen, it's been a busy year. Can't get a decent concierge anywhere, I got the pope
          breathing down my neck about miracles, and I got a country to run among other
          things.
Lilith:  Sounds like you need a little stress reliever.
          [Seductively rubs his chest and looks at him]
Satan: Exactly. To top things off, I got this Jesus thing to deal with.
Lilith:  I thought we killed him once before?
Satan: We did, but the fucker rose from the dead after a three-day drunken tirade through
           the City of Dis. Now he says I owe him or something.
Lilith:  I don't see you for a couple thousand years, and all I get is whining. Where's the guy
          who rode a river of lava through the streets of Pompeii just so he could get even heat
          on his marshmallows so they wouldn't burn on one side?
Satan: [Grins] Yeah, that was fun...
Lilith: Allright now, come over here and give some sugar to your favorite temptress.
Satan: [Kisses Lilith; Phone rings again] Goddamnit! I got to take this, one moment.
          [Answers phone]
          Bill, how's it going? Uh huh? Yep. Yep. Ok, did you clear your cookies? Ok, after
          you saw the blue screen, did you restart the computer? Ok, try that.
          [Makes a silly face as he counts the moments]
          That worked? Good deal, man. Hey, no problem, it's all part of the contract. Ok,
          talk to you later.
          [Hangs up]
          Ok, now where were we?
Lilith: Heating marshmallows....? [Smiles seductively]
Satan: Oh, yeah...[Leans in for a kiss; the phone rings again] Son of a bitch! This shit
          didn't happen when I wasn't doing this all myself. That's it.
          [Snaps his fingers; there's a knock at the door]
Lilith:  [Answering the door; talking to Satan] Oh, darling, you ordered room service....
Satan: Get in here and answer these calls, thrull!
Agent 665: [Phone continues to ring] Answer it yourself.
Satan: Listen, if you don't shut this ringing phone up I'm going to flay you over an open pit.
Lilith:  Satan, dearest, it appears you're busy....
Satan: No, just hold on, Lilith.
Agent 665: [Folds his arms] I don't care. Not until you apologize.
Lilith:  Ok, this is lame on so many levels.
          [Exits flipping the bird to Satan and slamming the door]
Satan: [Exasperated; stomping his feet] Damn, damn, damn,  DDDAAAAMMMNNN!
          [Shoots an angry stare at Agent 665 and points a finger] You! You're the cause
          of this!
Agent 665: Do what you will, but no apology, no help.
          [Closes his eyes in anticipation of being struck by Satan]
Satan: [Raising a fist to beat Agent 665 and then pausing] Ok, asshole, I'm sorry! Now, can
          you please just answer this damn phone?!
Agent 665: [Smiles, and takes the phone from Satan] Prince of Darkness, Lord of the Pit!...
          Absolutely not! Well, I'm afraid that will just have to do, Mister Ill. He is out of the
          office until Monday at the earliest...I don't care if you are the leader of North Korea!
          Ok, well, that is just rude. Good day, sir!
           ...
           I said good day, sir!
          [Hangs up]
Satan: Now, that's what I'm talking about!
Agent 665: You damn right it is.
Satan: NOW, I can get back to doing what I do best....
Agent 665: Space Invaders?
Satan: Damn right. You going to be player two?
Agent 665: What about Lilith?
Satan: She hates this thing.
Agent 665: Then, in that case, damn right!
          [Both sit down and grab a controller]
          This time you're going down!
Satan: In your dreams, cockboy!

[Fade to Black]
[End Scene III]
[End Act]

Invino Veritas
9/24/11
EOF