Devilishly Departmental: A Farce

[Scene I: The Throneroom]
[Satan is awaiting Agent 666]
[Enter Agent 666]

Agent 666: Father, the demoness Lilith awaits you in her cavern.
Satan: Excellent, my son. Maybe THIS time she'll have created a being evil enough to serve
          in my armies outside the boundaries of my domain.
Agent 666: Perhaps if you hadn't taken away her intelligence...
Satan: Don't question me, thrull! It was necessary to keep her at bay! We can't have
          powerful being just wandering the cosmos willy-nilly. That'd be silly!
Agent 666: But father, don't you wander the cosmos, and aren't you powerful?
Satan: Why, sure, but I'm usually back before 6:30 each night. The Australian version of  
          Baywatch comes on at 7:00. Can't miss that, you know!
Agent 666: Well, that's kind of hypocritical, don't you think?
Satan: What part about 'DEVIL' don't you get? I thought the [mockingly] powerful and craft
          Antichrist would be able to fathom THAT idea at least!
Agent 666: Yeah, yeah. [Mockingly quoting Satan] D plus evil spells you, I get it it already.
          [Makes a masturbatory gesture] But how in the pit is hypocrisy evil?
Satan: Because I said so! I am Satan. It comes with the job. He gets to decide what is good,
          and I decide what is evil.
Agent 666: That doesn't make something evil. Things are evil not because they are declared
          to be evil, but rather because they have an inrinsic property of being evil.
Satan: Enough already! [Mumbling] Kid thinks I don't know evil!
Agent 666: Well, whatever. Lilith is waiting.
Satan: Why don't you go to the lake of fire and play? I'll walk myself to Lilith's cavern.
Agent 666: I would probably take off those bunny slippers first. It doesn't really do much for
          your credibility as the Prince of Darkness.
Satan: [Looking] Oh, hmm. You may be right. [Pauses] On the other hand, that's what
          makes it SO evil! I'm so evil, I make MYSELF look bad! [Laughs maniacally]
Agent 666: [Rolling his eyes] I'd better stay and help you find your way. You might end up in
          New Jersey again, and I don't want to listen to you bitch for another century.
Satan: Well, New Jersey was just AWFUL. You don't know what it's like.
Agent 666: Father? Lilith?
Satan: Right. Lead on.

[Exit Satan and Agent 666]
[End of Scene I]

[Scene II: The City of Dis]
[Satan and Agent 666 are walking through the city on their way to Lilith's cavern]

Agent 666: If you want to get to Lilith's anytime soon, we can't stop in EVERY brothel
          in Hell on the way.
Satan: Why the Hell not?
[Enter Orcus]
Orcus: Satan! Great to see you! How are you?
Satan: Orcus, ole' buddy! How excellent to see you. How's Glasya? Still ugly as ever?
Orcus: Getting uglier everyday!
Satan: And little Agox?
Orcus: Uglier than Glasya!
Satan: Great! Too bad you're such a handsome devil! [Laughs with Orcus]
Agent 666: Good to see you again, Master Orcus, but we're on our way to Lilith's. I'm sorry,
          but we really must be going....
Satan: Oh, pshaw! We've got plenty of time. Besides, I haven't seen Orcus since Munich
          1972.
Orcus: Actually, I'm in a hurry as well. Just saw ou guys and wanted to say hello. I'm on my
          way to pick up some brimstone for the missus. We're a bit low.
Satan: Ahh, well, in that case, we'll be on our way.
[Enter Mephistopheles]
Mephistopheles: Satan, you old bastard, how are you!?
Satan: Mephistopheles! Older than you, you whippersnapper you!
Mephistopheles: And twice as pretty!
Satan: How else can I convince your mom to turn around?
[Each erupt in laughter]
Mephistopheles: Orcus, my old friend, and how are you? Still peddling magic tricks to
          children on All Hallow's Eve?
Orcus: Yeah, we've been recruiting pretty heavy this year.
Mephistopheles: Excellent! Get 'em while they're young!
Orcus: Exactly. Candy is such a great reinforcer.
Mephistopheles: [Looking at Satan's slippers] Nice slippers, chief.
Agent 666: I told you, father!
Satan: They are evil bunny slippers. Can't you tell? Orcus and I were just talking about
          how evil these things are just a few moments ago, weren't we, Orcus?
Orcus: Oh, yeah, definitely. Evil. That's it. Right down to the core. Mmmhmm.
Mephistopheles: [Guaging Satan and Orcus' intentions] Oh, you two! Damn tricksters!
          You really must join me sometime. You can usually find me at The Bloody Mic
          down on 3rd and Souless Way. I do a bit there on Wednesday nights.
Orcus: Sounds great!
Satan: That sounds like fun, old friend!
Agent 666: Yes, yes, but as for NOW, we really must be going....
Satan: I'm afraid the boy's right, fellas.
Orcus: Me too. Great to see you guys. Catch you on the flipside. [Exit Orcus]
Mephistopheles: Actually I was just on my way to shoot some ducks with the little
           demoness. Great to see you again, Satan.
Satan: Always a pleasure.
[Exit Mephistopheles]
Agent 666: Finally, we can get on our way!
Satan: Pipe down before I cause an Alluvian Spider's egg sac to erupt inside your
          eyeball again.
Agent 666: That was NOT funny.
Satan: Oh, but it was funny. Just ask the slippers. [Wiggles the slippers making the
           bunny ears flop]
Agent 666: Anyways, we're late. Come on.
Satan: Right-O!
[Exit Satan and Agent 666]

[End of Scene II]

[Scene III: Lilith's Cavern]
[Lilith. the mother of all demons, awaits Satan while dancing and listening to
        Cyndi Lauper's Girls Just Want To Have Fun]

[Enter Satan and Agent 666]

Satan: ....and THAT is where I hid Hoffa's body.
Lilith: [Startled; Turns off the music] Your majesty!
Satan: Ahh, Lilith! So fine that I should gaze upon your disgusting features once again.
          [Kisses her cheek]
Lilith: Oh! Your majesty!
Satan: Agent, I believe I can handle things now. Go find something to kill, but be back
          by six.
Agent 666: Umm, ok. [Bows to Lilith]
[Exit Agent 666]
Satan: Now, what have you created for me this time? Another agent, I hope?
Lilith: [Twitching nervously] Yes, sire, another agent. Behold....[Gesturing]...Agent 665!
Satan: Agent 665? You DO realize that we had passed that number already?
Lilith: Yes, your majesty. I thought since you were so adamant about using 666 the first
         time that you might want to start at 665 this time because, well, you know, you
         skipped it last time.
Satan: I also skipped zero through six-sixty-four. Do you plan to screw up 664 more
          times?
Lilith: Perhaps the sire would care to see some its features? [Claps her hands]
Satan: Holy shit, Lilith! My god, that's huge. Was that really necessary to put that on
          there?
Lilith: Yes, it was absolutely necessary, sire.
Satan: Well, ok for now, but I want that shrunk a few inches by the final draft.
Lilith: Yes, sire.
Satan: Ok, what else you got?
Lilith: Four spring rolls, a few grimoires, and a complete collection of Cyndi Lauper
         records from 1983 to the present.
Satan: No, I mean what else can this thing do? [Mumbling] Dumbshit.
Lilith: Oh! Yes, of course. Well, Agent 665 is pyrokinetic, electrokinetic, psychokinetic,
         telekinetic, and can use the entire spectrum of light to see if it chooses.
Satan: [Sarcastically] Oh, well THAT's useful. Finally, someone who can choose not to
          be able to detect anything and everything.
Lilith: [Mumbling, speaking quickly] and hehasgreatstamina....
Satan: What?
Lilith: Hmm?
Satan: [Dismissing Lilith's comment] Well, [Sighs] I guess you can send it over tomorrow.
          But if it isn't evil enough this time, I'm afraid we'll just have to have you mulched
          and spread over the death flowers in the great hall.
Lilith: As you wish, sire.
Satan: In the meantime and since we ended early...[Snaps his fingers]
[Fade to Black]
Lilith: Sire? Are those bunny slippers?
[Begin song Just A Gigolo by David Lee Roth.]
[End Scene III]
[End Act]


Invino Veritas
8/9/11
EOF