Daring to Dream or How to Stop Worrying About Finances and Start Loving the Death Ray: Act I: Scene II

[Marvin and Nergel enjoy a morning breakfast. A robot occasionally 
 enters the room while they talk to serve them, but then quickly 
 disappears offstage without a word.The androgynous robot wears
 a bizarre servant's outfit with the top half of a traditional butler's
 coat and the bottom half of a prototypical french-maid dress.]

Nergal:   [Eating, startled by the servant robot] Oh my god! When the
              hell are you finally going to decide on whether or not that thing
              is a girl or a boy?
Marvin:  If I do that then how else wll get the enjoyment of seeing you
             curse and howl at breakfast time? By the way, try the kipper.
             Ashley [Points at the robot with his knife] is a fantastic chef.
Nergel:   I see you've already decided.
Marvin:  What do you mean?
Nergel:  Forgive me, Master, but Ashley is a girl's name.
Marvin:  Pardon me, but Ashley can be either a boy's or girl's name.
Nergel:  Perhaps you might consider providing it with either a dress or a
             proper suit.
Marvin:  Oh, I don't know. It seems kind of...approriate - not just to
              the robot thing but to the whole being a mad scientist thing.
Nergel:  [Under his breath] Well, they won't ever mistake you for
             being sane, that's for sure.
Marvin:  Hmm?
Nergel:  [Shoving some food in his mouth and shaking his head as 
              he points to his mouth, and then smiles while he chews
              and rubs his belly.]
Marvin:  See? I told you! That kipper is divine.
Nergel:  [Swallowing loudly] Delicious!

             [There is a momentary lull in the conversation before 
               Marvin begins.]

Marvin:   [Checking items off a list with a pencil.] Steel couplings,
                check! Uranium Power Generator, check! Uranium, check!
                Heavenly substance...umm hmm. [Contemplating, confused]
                Nergel, do we have any heavenly anything down in the the
                lab?
Nergel:  You mean besides the slice of heaven I buttered my toast with
              this morning? [Marvin smirks] I'll have to check. Be right back.
              [Exit Nergel]

              [Marvin looks over his designs as the doorbell rings. Marvin
               exits the stage to answer the door. Shortly thereafter, muffled
               conversation can be heard as Marvin returns to the dining room
               table with Dr. Kimmel of the North American Guild of
               Unconventional Scientists.]


Marvin:   I can't begin to tell you what a marvelous surprise it is to see you,
              as always, Doctor. Tell me, what brings you to Carouge?
Kimmel:  Mostly guild business, I'm afraid, though a little site seeing isn't
              completely out of the question, Doctor.
Marvin:   Oh? Am I on the list of site seeing or business?
Kimmel:  Business, I'm afraid.
Marvin:  Oh, well, please have a seat. Ashley! Tea!
              [There's a pause before the robot enters with a tray  and two
                cups of steaming tea. Ashley serves them both and then
                exits back from where it came.]
Kimmel:  [Raises an eyebrow at the robot and its garb.]
               Marvin, what is that?
Marvin:  I thought you might like some tea.
Kimmel: No, Marvin, the robot.
Marvin:  Oh, that's Ashley.
Kimmel:  [Frustrated] Marvin...I hope this isn't the sort of thing with which
               you hope to represent the guild this quarter.
Marvin:  Oh, heavens no, Eldrich! Ashley is purely for domestic use only.
Kimmel: [Relieved] In that case, I will refrain from further questions about
              all of that business. Actually, the guild has quite another concern,
              Marvin. Word has it that you have a new project brewing in your
              laboratory. The guild is concerned that this...death ray is it?
Marvin:   Yes, but how....?
Kimmel:  Yes, this death ray may be a bit of an outdated idea. Gone are the
               days of taking over the world or cyclopean atomic robots with
               laser eyes, Marvin. The guild is more concerned with innovation
               rather than imitation.
Marvin:  What do you mean? This death ray is going to be the death ray to
              end all death rays!
Kimmel: But of course, Marvin. They all are.
Marvin:  At the very least, hear me out!
Kimmel: Very well, Marvin. But please don't expect too much out of me.
Marvin:  Ok, certainly we've all heard about death rays, shrink rays, cosmic
              rays and, yes, even heat rays. But when was the last time you heard
              of...are you ready for it? The heavenly death ray!
Kimmel: [Blankly at first, then confused.] A heavenly death ray? You do
             do realize that doesn't make any sense, right?
Marvin:  Why do people keep saying that?
Kimmel: Marvin, go ahead and make your "heavenly" death ray. Have a
              fantastic time as a tired old genre of scientist. But, please, for
              your sake, for the guild's sake, I urge you to rethink your decision
              about this death ray.
Marvin:  I can't believe what you're saying to me!
Kimmel: Marvin, don't take it so hard.
Marvin:  Don't take it so hard? Don't take it so hard? You bear the message
              of misfortune, stomping on my dreams, and all you have to say is
              'don't take it so hard'?
Kimmel: Now, calm down, Marvin.
Marvin:  Don't ask me to calm down you...you charlatan! You fraud!
              [Mockingly] Unconventional scientists, indeed! Let me tell you
              something, Doctor Kimmel: there is nothing unconventional about
              doing what everyone else is doing! And I sure as hell wouldn't have
               become a scientist, much less a mad scientist, if all I wanted to
              do was become an asterisk in a forgotten high school science book.
              I, for one, am not afraid to dream! So, get out of here, Doctor
              Kimmel. And take your presumptive pomp with you!
Kimmel: Well, I...
Marvin:  [Standing up] You what? Ashley! Show Doctor Kimmel the door!
              Good day to you, sir!
              [Ashely enters the room and directs Doctor Kimmel offstage]
Kimmel: Of course, you realize....
Marvin:  I said good day, sir!
             [Exit Kimmel]
             [Enter Nergel]
Nergel:  Master? Are you allright? I heard the noise....
Marvin:  [Sarcastically and curt] Splendid! Dr. Kimmel was just visiting.
Nergel:  Dr. Kimmel? From the guild?
Marvin:  The very one, Nergel. I don't think we'll be getting any more mail
              from that guild. Moreover, I don't think we'll be getting anymore of
              the guild's funding. By the way, did you happen to find anything
              marked heavenly?
Nergel:  No, Master, I'm sorry.
Marvin:  Ahh, no matter.
Nergel:  Maybe your brother..hey, wait! Your brother's key!
Marvin: What about it?
Nergel:  Perhaps, this is fate telling you to find what that key unlocks.
Marvin:  [Enlightenened] Nergel! My god, man, you're right!
Nergel:  Of course I am, Master. But first you should wire your brother and
              verify his intentions?
Marvin:  Quite right, Nergel! Quite Right! Ready my carriage! We're going to
              to make a phone call!
Nergel:  Right away, Master.

[Exit Nergel]
[Fade to Black]
[End Scene II]


Invino Veritas
10/22/12
EOF

Daring to Dream or How to Stop Worrying About Finances and Start Loving the Death Ray

[Marvin, the mad scientist, and his trusty sidekick, Nergel are in
the workshop. Nergel is dusting the arcane machines while whistling
a happy tune. Marvin sits at a small, round table off-center of the
scene mulling over his latest design.]


Marvin:  Nergel! I think I have it!
Nergel:  What's that, Master?
Marvin:  Behold!
              [Holds up the design]
              It's a new evil death ray!
Nergel:  An "evil" death ray?
Marvin:  Yes! An evil death ray!
              [Cackles maniacally]
Nergel:  Pardon me, Master, but wouldn't it be better to simply refer to
             it as a "death ray" ?
Marvin:  Huh?
Nergel:  Well, sir, forgive me but, death rays are neither new nor heavenly.
Marvin:  But it's not heavenly; it's evil!
Nergel:  Yes, Master, I only meant that to say its evil is, well, frankly,
             superfluous.
Marvin:  [Blankly] All I heard was it's super.
Nergel:  Not super, Master. Superfluous.
Marvin:  Yes, exactly!
Nergel:  Master, it's not necessary to refer to it as an evil death ray because
             there's nothing about being a death ray that makes it anything but
             evil. You can't have a heavenly or otherwise goodly death ray!
Marvin:  [Crumpling his design into a ball]
              My god Nergel! You're a genius! I'll make a heavenly death ray!
              [Stands and kisses him on the cheek in elation]
Nergel:  [Frustrated, Rolls his eyes]
             As you wish, sir.
Marvin:  This is fantastic! Finally, some validation, some direction, some
              purpose! Say it with me, Nergel: Heavenly Death Ray! Can't
              you imagine?
Nergel:  Well, no, not actually...
Marvin:  Oh, quit being so negative! Have some faith. Have some vision!
              Dare to dream, man!
Nergel:  It certainly would be daring, I'm afraid, Master.
Marvin:  I knew you'd see it my way! We can put it over here next to the
             Discombobulator. What color should I make it?
Nergel:  [Cynically] Oh, pink. Definitely, pink.
Marvin:  Pink?
Nergel:  With green polka dots.
Marvin:  Polka dots?
             [Raises an eyebrow]
Nergel:  [Remembering suddenly]
             Oh! Hey! The mail came. You got a few letters.
             [Retrieves five letters from within his jacket]
             I see your brother mailed you again.
Marvin:  [Snatching the mail from Nergel]
              Let's see...bills, bills, Metaphysical American renewal form...
              [Sets the rebewal form aside]
              Hmmph! Oh, and lookee here! [Emphasizing to Nergel]
              A letter from the North American Guild of Unconventional
              Scientists!
Nergel:  And just how much money are they asking for this time?
Marvin:  [Smirking] I'll have you know, my esteemed assistant, that
              Dr. Eldrich Von Kimmel is a dear colleague and friend of mine,
              and a great scientist.
Nergel:  [Sarcastically] Oh, my apologies, Master! It must have been
             my proclivity towards historic correctness in these matters that
             capitulated my insolence.
Marvin:  [Staring at Nergel, contemplatively] You're right. We'd better
             take a look at the letter from my brother, Jeremy, first.
             [Opens the letter and begins reading]
             My dear brother yadda yadda...glad you're doing well blah blah
             happy birthday and so on and so on. [Pauses] Oh, here we are:
             Here is my donation to your endeavors to make the world a
             better place. I enclose...[Suprised and annoyed] fifty dollars.
             Fifty dollars? What does he expect me to build with this?
             [Reading some more] In addition, I also enclose this finely
             crafted key as I have no doubt that when the time comes, you
             will be able to unlock the door to what it is that you are looking
             for in your world of science. You're loving brother, Jeremy.
             [Holds up the key and looks at it]
             Weird, though as keys go, it's a nice key.
Nergel:  I suppose that's true, Master. A pretty metaphorical trinket
             indeed, sir.
Marvin:  Yeah, well, it's probably just that: metaphorical. He probably
              thinks he's being poignant and clever. My brother, the great
              Necromancer!  Raiser of the dead, wielder of dark dreams,
              and magician from beyond, bestows upon me...this key. Well,
              poppycock! Still, I wonder what it might go to. [Ponders]
Nergel:  Perhaps it unlocks a chest of some kind, or perhaps a door.
Marvin:  Who knows? It could be any one of a number of doors in this
              old house. There are over one hundred rooms in this old castle
              and I probably haven't seen twenty of them. This old place was
              built a long time ago and I'm sure there are any number of buried
              mysteries hidden inside its crumbling walls. No matter, though.
              We've got a death ray to build! Nergel! Ready my carriage! We're
              going to the hardware store. I need supplies!
Nergel:  As you wish, Master.

[Exit Nergel]
[Fade to black]
[End Scene]

The Indelicate Sound of Thunder

[Zeus, King of the Gods, lounges around the throne room in a state of despair
  and loss, plagued by boredom as he sighs over again while sipping ambrosia.
  Looking out the opening in the wall is his wife, Hera, Queen of the Gods.
  Hera has a scowl upon her face as she crosses her arms and stares a laser-
  guided line of sight out the window towards the ground and the land of 
  the mortals. ]

Zeus:  [Sighing] By my brother's mantle, Hera, I am bored! Struck am I as
          the belly of Uranus by Eris' morning light. Why, I'm so bored, I could
          simply....[Pauses]
Hera:  [Distracted] Hmm?
Zeus:  Hell, I don't know what I'd do to be quite honest. But it would be
          certainly either fantastic or tremendous - that I can assure you!
Hera:  Yes, dear. Tremendous. Me too.
Zeus:  Hera? Aren't you listening to me? I'm bored! In these last ten thousand
          or so years, I swear I have done everything! [Mumbling to himself]
          Atleast I think so....
Hera:  [Turning] Oh, quit being so morose, Zeus! Surely you haven't done
          everyone!
Zeus:  [Caught off-guard] Everyone?
Hera:  [Coyly] Hmm?
Zeus:  [Frustrated, waves his hands] Nevermind! It doesn't matter! I must
          have entertainment!
Hera:  You could always wash the chariot....
Zeus:  [Smirks]
Hera:  [Eggingly] Oh! I know!
Zeus:  What? What is it, woman!?
Hera:  You could mop the palace! 

[Zeus folds his arms angrily and stares at Hera as she incitefully smiles
 at him and bats her eyelashes at him.]


Zeus:  Oh, hardee har har. While I'm at it, I might as well prune the bushes!
Hera:  Well, I don't think we have to worry about that around here.
Zeus:  Damn right, Hera! You know why? Because I am the king of the...
          [Realizes Hera's doublespeak]..Hey! Wait a minute! That is not...
Hera:  [Sternly] Zeus! Listen to me! I have work to do. Go outside and play.
          Don't you have subjects? Go tend to them! I'm sure there's one that
          deserves your attention!
Zeus:  Fine! As you wish, my [Mockingly] Queen.
          [Exit Zeus]
Hera:  Finally!

[Hera sighs heavily and turns to the window, staring back down towards
 the ground below Mount Olympus. Occaisonally she makes gestures of
 arcane significance, seeming to smile devilishly as she is pleased with
 her handiwork.]

[Enter Hephaestus]

Hephaestus: Hera! As requested, mother, your golden bathing vessel is
          complete.
Hera:  [Rolls her eyes at the intrusion] Thank you, Hephaestus. There are
          no other requests of you right now. You may leave.
Hephaestus: I'll take my leave in that case.
          [Hephaestus moves towards the hallway, but is caught by Hera]
Hera:  [Stopping and turning] Hephaestus...?
Hephaestus: [Turning] Yes, mother?
Hera:  Hephaestus, tell me something? How is Aphrodite?
Hephaestus: How's that,  Hera? How's Aphrodite?
          [Hephaestus re-enters the room, approaching Hera]
Hera:  I mean are you two...happy? I mean, how do you and Aphrodite
          fare after these many years? Good, I hope?
Hephaestus: [Smiling] Mother, when I rise every morning it is Apollo's
          big brilliant orb there hanging in the sky, but to me I see only
          Aphrodite. She is the light that shines from my furnace's fire, the
          flame that dances over every setting and hilt that graces my foundry.
          It is because of that her visage never fades. She is always first when
          I rise and last when the day ends as I rest my head in Artemis' silver
          light. You want to know how we fare? I can only speak of myself as
          I am wary and know of nature, but I can say with certainty that I fare
          well, mother. I fare well.
Hera:  Son, I don't think you've ever told me that.
Hepheastus: Mother, I don't believe you've ever asked.
Hera:  [Tearing] Oh, my son....!
Hephaestus:  What is it, mother?
Hera:  I've been a fool, Hephaestus. I abandoned your father when he needed me. Now,
          knowing your father, I may very well have cut out my own heart with a dagger
          fit for his grip. No wonder he does te things that he does. All these years I thought
          that he did it to spite me or perhaps it was just his nature. But I see now my error.
Hephaestus:  Mother, it is true that love is an investment in someone other than yourself.
Hera:  When did you get so wise, Hephaestus?
Hephaestus: Wise? No, mother, not wise. I just had a good teacher, I guess.
          [Hephaestus smiles at Hera, embracing his mother]
Hera:  [Tearfully chuckling] Go, Hepheastus. Go home to your wife, and love her. And
          if you see your father, tell him...tell him don't worry about the chariot.
Hephaestus: What?
Hera:  Don't ask, he'll know what I'm talking about.
Hephaestus: Ok, mother. Be well.
          [Exit Hephaestus]

[Hera grabs a goblet of ambrosia, sipping occasionally and staring out the window
 with a distant stare. Her gaze seems a million miles away, but then shifts her line
 of sight, cursing and pointing a finger back down to the ground. He anger at the
 mortals below returns as she puts her goblet down and starts to gesture again.]

Hera:  Oh, no you don't, Peleus! I see you down there hiding in the bushes!
          [Makes a pointing gesture toward the world below as Zeus returns
           with a clap of thunder, arms akimbo and proud of himself; Enter Zeus.]
Zeus: [Brushing olive twigs and flower petals off his body] Ahh! Fantastic! Exhilarating! 
Hera:  [Startled] Zeus! Where did you come from?
Zeus:  Oh, my dove, you should have been there! There was dancing, music, something
          called 'Karaoke' --
Hera:  [Raises an eyebrow; Zeus takes notice]
Zeus:  I know! I was totally the same way! But all it is, dearest, is singing the songs of
          other people and gods. Sounds dumb, I know, but it can be quite fun. At first,
          I wasn't sure, but then I realized I was the best singer there! 
Hera:  [Sits on Zeus' lap and hugs him]
Zeus:  What's this? [Cautious] Wait a minute. What do you want me to do?
Hera:  Nothing, I swear! I'm just glad you're back.
Zeus:  Really?
Hera:  [Smiles and kisses him on the cheek] Promise, my king.
Zeus:  Well then, in that case, hail to the king, baby. Hail to the king.

[Fade to black]

Hera:  Zeus?
Zeus: Yes, my dear?
Hera:  Why do you smell like nymphs and dryads?

[End Act]


Invino Veritas
10/2/12
EOF


         
         

Washington On The Steps

SETTING: 2000's, Present day academia.

     [Two college students, Chip and Neville, sit outside the library on the front steps,
       going over the day's dose of American History.]


Neville: ...so, Washington got his butt kicked in New York by the British, he ran all the way
            through New Jersey. But then he turns around, marches right across the Delaware
            River and proceeds to take Trenton and Princeton.
Chip:    That's what that famous painting of Washington's about, right?
Neville: Yeah, I think so. Oh, hey, did you know that painting was painted by a Brit?
Chip:     No shit?
Neville:  No shit.
Chip:     Hmph! I'll be damned. [Scribbles in his notebook.] And that is the end of that...!
Neville:  Sweet!
Chip.     Well, until Wednesday. Hey! Speaking of....what are you doing Monday?
Neville:  Workin'.
Chip:      You're not off for Preseident's Day?
Neville:  Personally, I think you should only observe it if you like the current President.
Chip:     [Laughing.] What?
Neville:  Think about it. Why would anyone want to observe or honor a presdent that
             they didn't like?
Chip:     Dude, I think it's in honor of previous Presidents.
Neville:  Actually, it was originally intended to celebrate Washington's Birthday, now that
             you mention it, thankyouverymuch. In fact, congress put it into law at one time.
Chip:     [Sarcastically.] That's awesome, man, but you don't get paid for telling me this
             crap after 12:00 p.m..
Neville: [Smirking.] Anyways, I just happen to think that I've had enough with having to
            observe the current president for the past three years. I'm ready for some good
            ole' fashioned disregard!
Chip:    Yeah! [Pumps his fist in the air.]
Neville:  Besides, it's presidents plural, not president's possessive.
Chip:    [Unflinchingly.] Actually, sir, it's either one or both.
Neville: Oh yeah? How do you know?
Chip:    Wikipedia. [Shakes his cellphone in his hand.]
Neville: [Rolling his eyes.] I should've known.
Chip:    Yeah, well, as interesting as all this is....
Neville: Time to make the roofies?
Chip:    That's rght! Time to make the roofies. No, seriously. I got to go.
Neville: Ok, man. I'll see you in class on Tuesday I guess.
Chip:    Sounds good. Thanks, man.
Neville: Yup.
Chip:    Oh! Before I forget....[Hands Neville some money.]
Neville: Cool! Thanks.
Chip:    Yup. [Waves.]

[Exit Chip.]

Star Light, Star Bright

SETTING: Late 1800's America, Post-Industrial Revolution.

[Curtain opens to a scene just outside a bar. Loud, raucous sounds can be heard
  emanating from within the bar. Several homes stand across the street, each with
  a window closed to the street. One home has a small balcony where a young
  woman sits on the rail drinking wine in her nightgown. ]

Lydia:   Oh, how times have changed! You, Mr. Moon, sir, have lost your luster, and
            you, wine, have gained a little with every year's passing.Quite dapper, you were,
            Mr. Moon...once.And you! Over there! Mr. Star, what are you laughing at? Go
            back to your luring of little girls into dreaming upon you! You have fared no better,
            sir!
Belle:   [From within the home.] Who are you talking to out there, Lydia?
Lydia:  Nobody! 
Belle:   Then keep it down! It's too late for all that nonsense.
Lydia:  [Sighing and rolling her eyes] Fine! [Pointing at the sky] Look what you two
           have done. I got my eye on you. Keep making trouble, and I swear I will tell
           everyone about your chicanery!
           [The front door of the bar slams open; Horace is thrown into the street.]
Horace:Well, Teddy, at least ya' didn't throw me in that pile of offal this time.
             [Put his hat back an as he tips it to the Teddy, the bouncer.]
Teddy:  Once a week is good enough for any man, Horace. Now, go on and sleep it
            off. We'll see ya t'morrow.
            [Helps Horace to his feet]
Horace: Thanks, Teddy. You're one of the good ones. It's an honor to be bounced by
             a lad such as ya'self. Tell Gertrude I didn't mean what I said about 'er belly
             and 'er mole.
Teddy:  Aye, Horace. I will. G'night, now. Run on home.
Horace: On me way now, sir. Until t'morrow then?
             [Teddy nods and exits into the bar.]
             You can tell 'er what I said about 'er arse, though if ya like!
             [Sits on the steps and pulls out a bottle of liquor; looks at the sky and 
              toasts before taking a drink. Lydia looks at the stars once again, 
              pointing at them as before.]
             To the stars! [Recites] Whether sky as clear or heaven's tears, no moon
             was quite as fair, as the lady's cheek I saw last week, underneath a star
             crossed glare! [Takes a drink and toasts again.]
             And to me ma I do relate, the lady with the golden hair, and me broken
             'eart did fall apart when I lost her at the fair!
             [T\oasts to the moon and stands; Lydia begins to listen.]   
             Whaddya' say, Moon? How's about showin' me the way home - even
             if it's not my home, at least, p'raps it's someone's!
Ava:      [Opening and hanging out her window.] Shaddup down there! Oh, hey
             there, Lydia. Sorry about the noise! What you doin' up so late?
Horace: Well, moo to you too, ya' ole' cow!
Lydia:    Hey, Ava. Just a nip before bed, ya know.
Horace:  [Shouting] And udders to match! [Normal tone] 
Ava:       Boy, don't I know it, Lydia! [To Horace] And YOU, down there! Don't
              make me get the constable! Now, keep it down! [To Lydia] G'night,
              dear. Have one for me, too, will ya'? [Closes window; Exit Ava]
Horace: There she goes! Back int' the barn! [Laughs.] Moo!
Lydia:    Now, really, is all that completely necessary?
Horace: Oh, I'm sorry, your highness! Let us not spoil the princess' beauty rest...
Lydia:    Thank you.
Horace: ...After all, you are obviously way behind on it already!
Lydia:    You have no...HEY!
Horace:  Ok, ok! I'm sorry. My apologies! That one's on me. Terribly sorry.
Lydia:     Well...don't let it happen again!
Horace:  Fine, but you really shouldn't leave yourself so open for such things.
Lydia:     Oh, you horrid, man! Just leave! Go! Get out of here!
Horace:  I was here first.
Lydia:     You were not here first.
Horace   Yes I was.
Lydia:     No, you weren't!
Horace:  Prove it.
Lydia:     That big man from the bar over there...Teddy! He threw you out into
               the street.
Horace:  Yes, but he pretty much does that every night.
Lydia:     Every night?
Horace:  Well, not on Sundays. Church and all.
Lydia:     Oh, I see. I suppose that makes sense. Much moreso than the past few
              moments with you.
Horace:  I do have that affect on people. I am a drunk, after all. Call it, inebriation
              by association. Speaking of....could you spare some of that wine, perhaps?
Lydia:     I think you've had enough for both of us.
Horace:  Madam, I have not yet begun to drink! [Swings his arms, stumbles, and falls.]
Lydia:     [Laughing] I guess that's what they mean by 'pride comes before a fall' !
Horace:  Bah!
Lydia:     Oh, you! Here. [Tosses the nearly-empty wine bottle to the street.]
Horace:  [Standing and catching the wine bottle.] To m' lady, never a kinder soul was
              she: [Clears his throat.] Blessed be my lady, for she is kind. Upon her fingertips
              the feathers of God's chosen few are felt in her touch. Blessed be my lady, for she
              is generous. As the spires of our Lord's temples radiate the light of his majesty, so
              does her heart bring a charity rivaled only by his son. Blessed be my lady, for she
              is temperant....
Lydia:    Temperant?
Horace:  Yes, temperant. Just go with it.
Lydia:     Right!
Horace:  [Clears his throat again.] Blessed be my lady, for she is temperant. As the edge
              of  Gabriel was created by his holiness, so, indeed must have she been for her
              soul knows only that which is just and fair. [Bows to Lydia]
Lydia:    [Clapping] Thank you, kind sir! Bravo!
Horace: But a small trifle, m' lady.
Lydia:    I'm just glad you cut it off before we got to chastity.
             [Realizes she probably shouldn't have said that.]
Horace: [Whistling] Well, then!
Lydia:    Oh! Well, the moon is far lower on the horizon as when I began my wine...
Horace: Indeed, madam. [Tips his hat]
Lydia:    G'night...umm, what's your name?
Horace: Horace, ma'am. Until t'morrow then.
             [Exit Horace, whistling a tune as he walks away.]
Lydia:    [Looking at the moon and stars again.]
             You did this because I lectured you two earlier, didn't you? Well, I will
              allow it to proceed for now, but should this lemon turn too sour for even
              the likes of me, I'll give each of your secrets away!
              [Scrupulously points at the moon and star separately.]
              Now, behave, while I'm gone, you two.
              [Exit Lydia]
              [End Scene I]
              [Fade to Black]

Invino Veritas
11/15/11
EOF

            
            
            

Scotch by Firelight

[Harry Strong, editor of The Manchester Sentinel is hard at work, editing the next edition.
  He looks over his reporters' stories, mad with the imperfection. He ravenously smokes a
  seemingly never-ending cigar and dons a three-day-old five o'clock shadow, occasionally
  taking a swig of his scotch and soda nearby.]


Harry:   Crap! Crap I say! Not a damn writer in the lot o' them!
             [Begins scribbling something on the paper.]
             If ... I wanted ... crap ... I would ... have ... taken a...
             [The office door slams open as Margo charges into the room.]
Margo   What's the big idea puttin' the Titano story on page two?! That's a cherry, a real
             peach! Why, Lucy said it was the best one I ever did. It's a great story, a flippin'
             humdinger, Harry. You gotta' put it on the front page.
Harry:   Sorry, Margo, no picture? No page. You know the rules.
Margo:  [Softer now] Come on, Harry! For old times' sake? Please, Harry?
             [Margo sits on the desk giving him sexy, puppy dog eyes.]
Harry:    Been there, done that, the book's on the shelf, Dollface. You want front page?
             Get me an exclusive. What's his real name? What's his shoe size? Does he
             prefer boxers or whitey-tighties? And for pete's sake, what the [Louder] hell
             does he look like?!
Margo:  Fine. You want a picture? Picture me walking over to Tommy Seville at the
             Dispatch. 'Sposin I drop it on his desk, ya know, by accident.
Harry:    I'd be 'sposin, then, that page three is where you belong, Dollface.
Margo:  You know you're a real creep, Harry.
Harry:    [Stands and leans over the desk in Margo's face.]
             How about we discuss the front page tonight over dinner, Margo? Antonio's
             sound ok to you? Then later I can show you why they call me 'Headstrong
             Harry'.
Margo:  Nice try, Harold,...
             [Walks into the doorway and turns around]
             But from what I hear, it's just hairy, and not so strong, old man!
             [Slams the door as she walks out]
Harry:    [Takes a drink] Bah!
             [Enter Finn]
Finn:      Boss!
Harry:    Damnit, Finn! I thought I told you to never interrupt me while I'm drinking.
Finn:      But, Boss, you're always drinking!
Harry:    And you're still here?
Finn:      But there's a forty-foot gorilla attacking the police station!
Harry:    My god, man! Now, that is what I call news! Finny, ole boy, go tell Margo
              she has one hour. Tell her, get me some damned pictures.
Finn:      On it!
             [Exit Finn]
Harry:   [Takes a drink; crunches on the ice while peering through the blinds]
             An hour before the world might end, and I'm out of Scotch. Well, at least
             I know where I'm headin', and the top of the stairs sits just outside my
             door. What luck! A slap on the tail comin' in, and a kick in the pants
             on the way out. What luck, I tell ya'!
             [Enter Officer]
Officer:  You all right up in 'ere, Mistah' Strong?
Harry:    Yeah...no, hey, could ya do me a favor?
Officer:   Shore' Mistah' Strong! Anything! Just name it.
Harry:    Would one of ya' mind running up the street and getting me a bottle?
              I'd do it myself and all, but....you know. Gotta wait here for my guys to
              come home, right?
Officer:   Oh, no, Mistah' Strong. We're not allowed to do anything like that. Why,
               if the Capt'n ever heard I bought liquor while I was on duty...boy! He'd
               go crazy and, ...and tear my eyes out or somethin'!
Harry:     I don't think he'll be mindin' today...uhh, what'd you say your name was?
Officer:   Daryl, sir, Mistah' Strong. Daryl Wincott.
Harry:     Well, Daryl, did you hear that crash earlier? [Daryl nods.] Well, if it happened
               this close, then that means that big ape made it through your buddies and he's
               probably heading this way. Ya' follow?
Officer:   [Daryl first nods "no", but then realizes the huge gorilla is coming]
              Oh, golly, Mistah Strong! We got to get outta here!
Harry:     Thaaaaaaaaat's right, Daryl. But first, you're going to go to the liquor store
               for me. [Harry fumbles for cash in his pocket] There's six....six dollars. That
               ought to be enough. Thanks Daryl! You're going to win a medal, ya's know
               that? If we get out of this, I'm gonna' put you in the paper!
Officer:    Really? Oh, that'd be swell! [Swells with pride]
Harry:     You betcha' Daryl! Now, go get me that bottle of Scotch!
Officer:    I will, Mistah' Strong! I'll be right back!
               [Exit Officer]
Harry:     Geez! The apocalypse is here and I just bribed a cop to get me some booze.
              God Bless America, eh? Duality wins again!
              [Looks through the blinds as a large crash can be heard]
              Well, damn, Daryl! You could have at least put up some kind of fight!
              [Another crash rings out followed by a loud roar]
              Well, on second thought, maybe not. That way you ended up under it rather
              than inside it, Daryl.
              [Holds up the last of his glass of ice]
              Here's to Daryl: loyal to the end even if it took some coaxing along the way.
              May he end up in a better place than I.
              [Crunches the ice and slides the glass onto the desk]
              Damn, he owes me six bucks, that dyin' bastard!
              [Yelling at the window]
              Daryl, you lazy sunuvabitch, quit lying down on the job! I want my money
              back! All six bucks of it!
              [Enter Margo as the door slams open; Margo's dress is torn to shreds and her
              body shows signs of bruising. The soot of fires has stained her body and clothes,
              and she is enraged.]
Harry:    Margo!
Margo:  Harry, you son of a bitch, you. You wanted pictures? Well, I got your damn
             pictures! [Throws a set of photographs at Harry who ducks]
Harry:   Margo? What's wrong, baby? You look tense! Try to calm down. Have a glass
            of...umm..ya know what, no scotch. Just rest, baby.
            [Harry goes over and pulls out a chair for her]
Margo: Harry?
Harry:   [Timidly] Margo?
Margo:  [Slaps him across the face] That's for the pictures.
             [Pulls his hair ripping a lock from his scalp]
             And that's for the forty-foot gorilla nobody mentioned beforehand!
Harry:    Oww! What're you? Crazy? I sent Finn down to catch you! Didn't
             he tell you?
Margot: I never saw Finn, Harry! Do I look like I saw Finn? Look at me, Harry, goddamnit!
             [Taking a breath and calming herself]
             Harry?
Harry:   Margot? [This time Harry winces and backs away]
Margot: If we get out of this alive, I'm going to kill you.
Harry:   [Makes a disgusted face as he stares at her for a moment and then returns to look
             out the window. Margot seems to drift out of consciousness in the chair. Harry,
             once again, finds himself alone. The scene ends with another loud crash from the
             streets outside as Harry stares into space, aiming his gaze out the window.]

             [End Scene I]
             [Fade to Black]

         

The Visitation

The Visitation

[Begin Act I]
[Begin Scene I]

[The guests and family are viewing the casket of the boy who died, Alex. His best friend,
David, is sitting off to the left beside a window waiting for everyone to leave so he can 
say his final goodbyes. Alex's mother sits beside David.]

Amy: I am so sorry, David. Alex was a great guy, and it won't be the same seeing you
         without him following right behind you. If you need someone to talk to, give me
         a call.
David: [Wryly] Thanks, Amy. Thanks for coming.
           [Amy approaches the casket to pay her respcts to Alex.]
Mrs. Ashcroft: It's a very lovely service, David. We are so sorry for your loss.
Coach Ashcroft:  Indeed, Margaret. And David, you know where my office is if you need
          a buddy, got it? You don't have to go through this alone. We're a team, remember?
David: Thanks coach, Mrs. Ashcroft. [Smiles slightly and then looks away out the window]
          [Coach and Mrs. Ashcroft approach the casket]
Ms. Fauré: [Discretely pointing and whispering] Oh, David! There's that Alison Frank! Alex
          always did fancy her. [Smiling] Isn't she pretty?
David: Yeah, she's very pretty, Mrs. Fauré.
Mrs. Fauré: Alex always liked Alison - as long as I can remember. When they were in first
          grade, he used to pull her hair and call her "pig face". It was love at first sight I think.
June:  [To Mrs. Fauré] Deborah, I am so sorry for your loss. Is there anything we can do?
Mrs. Fauré: June, thanks so much for coming. I'll be ok. Thank you so much for asking.
         [Patting June's hands and smiling]
June:  Well, it's the least we can do...
Ward: Yes, Deborah. After June lost her dad last winter we were so grateful for the wonderful
          support from you and your family. If there's anything we can do, please, don't hesitate
          to ask. [Leans over and sympathetically rubs Mrs. Fauré's shoulder]
Mrs. Fauré: Oh, don't worry about me. It makes the house a bit smaller, but things will work
          out. They always have a way of doing that.
          [Ward and June nod in agreement as they walk to the casket to pay their respects]
          [Sighing] What awful people.
David: Aww, they were nice. How can you say that?
Mrs. Fauré: Oh, please. You want to know what kind of 'support' we gave them when June's
          dad died?
David: [Shrugging]
Mrs. Fauré: We sent them a gift box of sausages and cheese.
David: [Laughing] Really?
Mrs. Fauré: Completely. Now they show up everywhere. How was I supposed to know that
           we were the only people making such a gesture?
David: Well, you have to see the irony in all of this?
Mrs. Fauré: I'd feel better wth peace rather than irony. I don't need anything else to remind
          me of those two. Still, it was nice of them to come by even if it was a continuation of
          their stalker-like habits, wasn't it?
David: Indeed.
Mrs. Fauré: [Standing] Ok, this is it. This is the moment I was avoiding.
David: You mean you're not going to hide here in the corner with me anymore?
Mrs. Fauré:I'm sorry, David, but I have a son to grieve over now. [Pauses] I can see why my
            Alex loved you so much, David. He was always looking for something....[Thinks for 
            the right word for a moment]...uncommon. I think that's the way I would describe
            it. Come by and see me every once in a while?
David: Of course. [Stands and embraces her]
Mrs. Fauré: [Hugs him and kisses his cheek; turns and approaches the casket]
Mom:  [Enters and crosses the room to her son, David]  How ya' doing, kiddo?
David: I'm allright.
Mom:  [Looking at Mrs. Fauré] That poor woman. [Daydreams for a moment
           and then sighs] Well, I just wanted to check up on you.
David: I'm O.K. I'm about done here. Give me another ten to fifteen.
Mom:  [Sympathetically] Ok, your father and I will be just outside in the car.
           [Exit Mom]
           [Exit Mrs. Fauré]
David: [Looks around] Well, buddy, looks like it's just you and me!
           [Hesitantly approaches the casket and looks into it]
           I do believe that's the first time I remember you not having a shit-eating grin
           on your face. Well, that and the time coach caught you peeking in on the girls
           dressing room.  Grabbed you and lifted you in the air by your back belt loop.
           Man, I don't think your eyes were never quite right after you pulled your
           skivvies out of your ass.
           [Chuckles]
           On the other hand, you did get a rather intimate kiss from his daughter after
           you recovered. So, I guess you got the last laugh,...
           [Despondent and Persnickety] ...son of a bitch! [Pauses] I never got anywhere
           with those girls...
Alex:   Neither did I.
David: ...and yet you seemed to have this innate ability....
           [Alarmed and confused, David pauses]
           Is someone there? Hello?
           [Dismissively] Yeah, well, even if I did actually hear that I'd be sure you were
           full of shit as usual.Case in point, you know what Charleen Dempsey and I were
          doing while you and Adele Reese were 'Bobbing for Cherries'?
Alex:  No, not actually.
David: Yeah, well, we were playing Bomberman 64. And I was getting my ass handed
           to me...OH NOW COME ON!! I heard you that time! Who's here?!
           [Looks around the room frantically]
Alex:  Whoa, buddy! Calm down! [Grabs David by the shoulders and stares him in
          in the eyes] It's me!
David: [Staring] Alex? No...no this can't be? But you're dead? You're in that casket right
           there!
Alex:  [Looking in the casket] Damn! I look good, man. Why is it that I had to get hit by
          a car walking down the street to get a nice suit?
David: You know all that stuff I was just sayin'? Yeah, well, I was just messin' around.
Alex:   [Raises his eyebrow] Relax, man. I won't tell anybody, I swear.
David: Ok, so what now? You just hang around and torment me and make me crazy until
           I join you in the alternate dimension? Is that your plan?
Alex:   Sometimes you can be a real dick, man. Can't you see that I don't know why I am
           here? I was floating along a few minutes ago when everything dissolved around me
           and I saw you. Then after another minute or two I dropped out and into the room.
           So, quit with all the love for God's sake.
David: Damn, man, my bad. It's just...I don't know what to say! Am I supposed to be all
           like, 'Welcome back' or should I be shitting myself. I'm just really confused right now.
Alex:   Tell me about it. Hey, you really want to know what Adele and I were doing? We
           were doing push-ups, man.
David: Bullshit. You were not.
Alex:   I swear to God, man. I get into the back room with her thinking I was about to
           bury my face into that gorgeous set, and all of a sudden she starts talking about
           how she's stronger than I am. Naturally, I have to defend my honor, so we end up
           doing push-ups for fifteen minutes or so.
David: How many did you do?
Alex:   I don't know...57? 58? It's not important.
David: How many did she do?
Alex:   Listen! It's not important.
David: No, seriously, how many did she do?
Alex:   Man, I don't know...I don't remember!
David: She beat your ass didn't she?
Alex:   Me? Naa! Man, I totally took care of business.
          [Looks at David and starts laughing] Ok, yeah, you got me. She beat me by
          like eight or nine. But if you tell anyone, I swear I will haunt your ass until eternity.
David: Ok, man, I promise! But you're telling me you didn't even get a peek?
Alex:   Not a stitch, man.
David: Damn.
Alex:   Meh.
David: Oh, hey, you should've seen Alison Frank today. Man., she was lookin'
           F-I-N-E fine!
Alex:   Oh, well, that was cool that she came. Hey, did her brother happen to show up?
David: Tom? I don't think so, no.
Alex:   Oh. I would've thought he'd have shown up.
David: Why's that? It's not like you two were friends or anything.
Alex:   What do you mean? Tom was cool, and we were friends.
David: Nothing. I just meant that I never saw you guys hang out. Besides, his kind doesn't
           mix well with the football players.
Alex:   His kind? Dude, that guy is way smart. If it wasn't for him, I'd have never gotten
           that scholarship to play ball at Michigan State. And who knows? Maybe on to
           the NFL! And I'd have him to thank for it.
David: Damn, sorry! [Sarcastically] I didn't realize he was your fuckin' boyfriend.
Alex:   Yeah, well... I have a pretty good idea there's a few things you don't know.
David: Try me - you aren't that complicated.
Alex:   Ok, asshole. You remember Bethany Hargrove?
David: The brunette with the pointy witches' nose and the heart-shaped ass?
Alex:   The very one. Well, we got drunk one day out by her pool, and she starts coming
           on to me. The only thing, I was not interested. She gets pisssed off and starts
           yelling and telling me I'm gay and shit. You know how I got that scar on my leg?
           That happened when she threw te vodka bottle down at my feet.
David: Damn...
Alex:   Anyways, her brother comes out to see what all the commotion's about and sees
           his drunk sister, a broken bottle of vodka, and some guy with three inches of glass
           sticking out of his ankle.
David: [Laughing] But i thought you hooked up with her! I didn't know she beat your ass
           with a vodka bottle.
Alex:   No, it wasn't her.
David: [Stops laughing] Then who did you hook up with? Who else was there?
Alex:   No, it was her brother.
David: Oh, fuck you, man. [Laughs] You came all the way from the grave to punk me?
           You never could resist the chance, you sunuvabitch.
Alex:   No, seriously, man. I hooked up with her brother.
David: [Shocked] ...
Alex:   [Jokingly smug] See? Told you that you didn't know everything about me.
David: But everybody said you guys hooked up!
Alex:   No, Bethany said we hooked up. The bitch walked in on me and her brother, still
           drunk on vodka and pissed at me. I didn't know what to do! I had ever been in
           that situation before. I panicked. She threatened to tell everyone! Man, I didn't
           want to get kicked off the team. I didn't know how my friends, my family would
           react to that. I was afraid, Ok? Bethany made me promise to let her tell everyone
           that we hooked up and she agreed not to tell anyone.
David: You're right. You would have been thoroughly ostracized. I know mom would have
           been upset. Dad would have me washed with steel wool just make sure it wasn't
           catchy or something. It would have ruined Thanksgiving.
Alex:   Well, you are taking this much better than I imagined.
David: I think you underestimate me, man. You're my friend, my bud, my...my bro'. Plus I
           trust that you didn't want me that way.
Alex:   Well, you're right there. You have no idea what it's been carrying that around with me
           all these years. It's like a huge weight has been lifted off my chest.
David: What do you care now? You're dead.
Alex:   Thanks for the reminder...dick!
           [A comfortable silence lasts for about thirty seconds]
           Hey, do me a favor?
David: Sure, man. Name it.
Alex:   I have to go in a moment. When you remember me, try to remember me as simply
           'Alex' - not 'gay Alex', eh?
David: Ok, now who's being the dick? [Smiles mischievously]
Alex:   [Chuckles] Ok, fair enough. Hey? Buds?
David: You bet, man. [Extends his hand to shake Alex's hand]
Alex:   That's all I get, you punk? [Smiling]
           [David and Alex embrace, Alex patting David on the back]
           Well....[Sighs]...take it easy, bro'
           [Exit Alex]
           [Enter Mom]
Mom:  David? You coming? At this rate, we'll miss our reservations for dinner!
David: Yeah, on my way, Mom; right behind you.
           [Exit Mom]
           [David takes one last look in the casket, and then exits through the
            same door as his mother.]
           [End Scene I]
           [End Act]
           [Fade to black]


Invino Veritas
10/21/11
EOF

Devilishly Departmental: Part Deux

Devilishly Departmental: Part Deux

[SceneI: The Throneroom]
[Satan and his new agent, Agent 665, are in his throne room going over the agenda.]


Agent 665: Allright, first item. You have a 9:30 appointment with a Mr. Daniels for violin
          lessons.
Satan: Violin lessons? What the hell kind of evil is that? In fact, that's really NOT evil. That's
           just stupid.
Agent 665: [Waving his hands] Something about Georgia and Golden Fiddles, and some kid
           named "Johnny"....the information is really kind of sketchy.
Satan: Burn them! Burn the piss out of them!
Agent 655:  Well, if we did that....[looks at his sheet of paper] we will lose 67%, roughly, of
          our profits from eBay. Those little trailer rats love useless crap.
Satan: Oh. Can't we just singe them a bit then?
Agent 665:  No. Besides, the commissioner of the Southeastern Conference is in Georgia.
          His contract doesn't expire until 2017.
Satan: Damn! Damn! Damn! [Pounds his fist]
Agent 665: Ok, next order of business. The Vatican has decided to up its original requests
          for bleeding Jesus sculpture from one a year to seven. And they are also requesting
          an extension of the rental agreements for the souls of lecherous priests.
Satan: Absolutely not on the first. What are they offering on the second?
Agent 665: A 'Nuns of the Convent' yearly calendar, a Civil War commemorative chess set,
          a subscription to the cheese of the month club, and 25% off at Hot Topic.
Satan: Did you say 'Nuns of the Convent"? And cheese?
Agent 665: Yup!
Satan: I certainly do love nuns and cheese....
Agent 665:  ...and it's a pretty nice chess set, too.
Satan: [Thinks for a moment] Ok. tell them yes, but only an extra month. Meanwhile, I want
          the calendar over there next to the throne, the cheese on one of those big silver
          platters over there [Points], and funnel the rest to our eBay store. No, wait. Forward
          the discount card to Golgotha; she may need spare parts.
Agent 665: Very good, sir. Next item: Jesus called. He wants to sit down.
Satan: Again?! We just did that two millenia ago next Tuesday.
Agent 665: He's really pretty adamant about this. We really should pencil him in. How about
          three o'clock in the main conference hall? We'll just cancel your weekly round of golf
          with Tiger Woods. Besides, we can always reschedule.
Satan: [Sighs] Fine! Damn!
Agent 665: We can always set it for another time....
Satan: No, damnit! Let's get this stupid crap over with! In fact, bump it up to umm...noontime.
          We'll make it a lunch thing. That way I can still play golf. I got your ass this time, Tiger!
          [Raises fist to the air]
Agent 665: Ok, that should cover everything for today.
Satan: Let's see, what time is it? [Looks at his watch] Ahh, 8:45. Time for a quick sulphur
          rinse, and then off to the races!
Agent 665: As you wish, sire.

[Exit Satan]
[End Scene]
[Scene II: The Main Conference Hall of Hell]
[Satan and Agent 665 awaits Jesus and his men.]
[Satan is reading Reader's Digest Magzine]
[Agent 665 is picking his nose and trying to flick it off his fingertip]

Satan: [Chuckling] Oh, Reader's Digest, laughter really is the best medicine!
          [Closes the magazine.]
          Where are they?! It's almost 1:00 for chrissakes!
Agent 665: [Chuckling]
Satan: What?
Agent 665: Nothing. You just said 'christ's sake'....
Satan: Oh, yeah, Ha!. That's pretty funny, actually.
Agent 665: Yeah...
[Enter Jesus and his two goons]
Jesus: Satan!
Satan: Jesus! Wonderful to see you! I hope the flight was to your liking?
Jesus: Eh. It was ok. A little bumpy around the tokhes, but ok.
Satan: You want I should fetch a charioteer for you next time? You haven't traveled to the
           Underworld until you've done it by chariot!
Jesus: Oh, you musn't trouble. I'll be fine! I'll just get another one. Dad's got tons of extras.
          I was thinking of something athletic and Nigerian. [Poses and looks at his rear end]
Satan: Why mess with perfection?
Agent 665: [Ushering towards a table and chairs] Gentlemen? Shall we?
Satan: [Sits down at the head of the table] Have some challah made fresh this morning,
          Jesus. You're a wine man, aren't you? Wine all around! And bring some of those
          fish ball things, too.
Agent 665: As you wish, sire.
[Exit Agent 665]
Jesus: Really, Satan, you worry too much. Forget me! Let's get on with things. We can
          have fish and bread later, but now....now, let's talk.
Satan: By all means. How terrible of me. Please, continue.
Jesus: The other day, Ishmael comes to me...
[Enter Agent 665 with a plate of bread and fish balls, and a bottle of wine.]
Agent 665: Here we are, Gentlemen!
Jesus: [Rolling his eyes] Thank you...
Goon #1: Could ya' pass the challah, boss?
Jesus: [Staring at the goon in amazement] Murray, forget the challah! Eat on your own time.
          [Under his breath] Schmuck. Anyways, Ishmael comes to me the other day and
          says to me, 'Hey, Boss, Satan is making bleeding sculptures for the priests. I thought
          this was our job!' So, I says to myself  'How could this be? This very good friend of
          mine? Renting out bleeding sculptures with my face on them? This can't be true of
          this person.'
Satan: Outrageous!
Agent 665: Yes, that's crazy. [Looks briefly at Satan who looks back at him.]
Jesus: That's good, boys....
Goon #2: [With a mouth full of food] Yeah, that's good for them! Tell 'em, Boss!
Jesus: I'm tellin' 'em, already! Don't talk wit' your mouth full! [Smacks Goon #2] Like I was
          sayin', that's good. Because if'n I ever found out someone was tryin' to move in on my
          business - you know what I would do?
Satan: Make them watch Ishtar?
Agent 665: Good one! [Satan and Agent 665 discreetly high-five and snicker at each other
          in agreement]
Jesus: Gentlemen, I don't think you are taking this seriously. [Takes a fish ball and tosses it
          into his mouth] and when I don't think someone isn't taking me seriously, it makes
          me angry. [Clears his throat and grabs another fsh ball] Listen, if I find out you've
          been making anything, ...and I mean ANYTHNG for the priests, I will send you back
          to work for Disney until the sun explodes. Get me? [Eats the second fish ball and
          coughs]
Satan: Yeah, I got it. Geez!
Agent 665: [Winces]
Jesus: Excuse me, you little punk? [Coughs heartily now]
Agent 665: Jesus, have a glass of wine. [Pours a glass of wine for Jesus]
Jesus: [Coughing] Thank you, my son. [Drinks the wine and clears his throat] Four billion
          years and you still haven't learned any manners? Satan, what have you been doing
          with yourself? Look at you. Who do you think you are? Mel Gibson? [Begins
          coughing again]
Satan: Lord of the Pit?
Jesus: You're about ...[Coughs profusely]
Goon #1: Boss....[Both goons stand up]
Goon #2: You don't look so good, boss. [Satan and Agent 665 look at each other briefly]
Jesus: [Feeling nautious, stops coughing for a moment] You know boys, you're right. I don't
          feel well. [Begins coughing again; shoots an angry look at Satan and Agent 665]
Goon #1:  Come on, Boss. Let's get you some rest.
Goon #2: Yeah, you got yourself all worked up and stuff.
               [The goons help the coughing Jesus up out of his chair]
Jesus: [Struggling to hold his breath] This ain't over, you two. I'll be back.
Satan: I'll have my people call you in three days.
Goon #1: Hey, don't get so smart, wise guy, or I'll twist your horns backwards to poke you in
               your ass.
Goon #2: [Chuckles oafishly; Jesus begins to cough again]
               [Exit Jesus]
               [Exit Goon#1]
               [Exit Goon #2]
Satan: [Awestruck] What the HELL just happened?
Agent 665: Umm, I think we just pissed off the son of god.
Satan: [Picks up a fish ball and looks at it] What did you put in these?
Agent 665: Just what you said: fish balls.
Satan: [Pausing in disbelief] You put WHAT in these?
Agent 665: You said bring in some wine and fish balls.
Satan: You fed the son of God the balls of a fish? I didn't even know fish had balls!
Agent 665: How was I supposed to know? I mean, he fed everybody with fish!
Satan: Yeah, sure, but he never ate any himself.
Agent 665: Ahh, right. Eww, ok, my bad. [Sighs] So, what do we do now?
Satan: We? No, sir. Me! I'll be enjoying margaritas off the tits of a dragon on the beaches
           of Titan in about two hours. You will likely be left to polish Mickey's one good eye
           as he hits an eightball or two off of Alice's Teacups. Sounds, great, but no thank you!
Agent 665: What the hell, man?
Satan: [Mockingly Singing] Oh, I'm the Devil and I don't care!
Agent 665: I've organized your social calendar and appointments, I've laughed at your stupid
          jokes, cooked and fed you, and let's not forget that case of Velorian Herpes you got
          from that overly-fertile whatever-you-call-them-things...
Satan: It was a Chocolate H'gruk Gruk.
Agent 665: ...that's it! A Chocolate [stumbling over the words] H'gruk Gruk, which I still
          don't know how that happened since there were no holes in her body.
Satan: There is now! [Laughs at himself]
Agent 665: ...
Satan: What? It's all in the wrist! [Looks at his watch] Speaking of....I'm famished. Let's get
           something to eat.
Agent 665: [Pouting] Have some fish balls.
Satan: Yeah, well, I think I'm going to go out tonight. Want I should pick you up something?
Agent 665: Really?
Satan: Hell, no! [Cackles]
          [Exit Satan]
          [End Scene]

[Scene III: On The Moon of Titan]
[Satan awaits one of his mistresses while conducting business on the phone]

Satan: [Talking on the phone and pacing] Listen, Benny, I appreciate your interest in our
          product but upping the number of bleeding Jesus sculptures from one to seven can
          upset the balance of things if we don't space these things out.
          ...
          Seriously, you're going to coach me on the business of evil, now?
          ...
          Benny...[Trying to interrupt]...Benny, no dice, man. Listen, I got another call coming
          in - I got to take this. I'll send you the first one on Thursday in Brooklyn, NY. Bye!
          [Answers the second caller]
          [In a pleasant voice] Prince of Darkness.....?
          ...
          Mr. President! Good to hear from you. What can I do for you?
          ...
          Wait a minute, ... ok....ok! Slow down!
          ...
          Well, who cares if the Republicans are stonewalling you?
          ...
          Uh huh...? I tell you what, [Sighs] I'll talk to Sarah tomorrow and see if she'll consider
          it, and if that doesn't work, we'll send in the Tea Partyers.
          ...
         Yeah, I know they're racist but they hate Republicans. After all, the enemy of my
          enemy....Tell me about it! Hey, listen, I got company on the way. I'll talk to you
          later, k? Ok, Barack, talk to you soon. Buh-bye.
          [Hangs up]
          [There's a knock at the door; Satan answers]
          Baby, am I glad to see you!
Lilith:  Satan! [Kisses Satan on the cheek and enters]
Satan: How long has it been? Two? Two and a half thousand years?
Lilith:  [Sings a stanza from Barbara Streisand's You Don't Bring Me Flowers]
          "You don't bring me flowers, you don't write me love songs...."
Satan: Yeah, yeah, I know. I've been busy.
Lilith:  Busy? Too busy for me?
Satan: Listen, it's been a busy year. Can't get a decent concierge anywhere, I got the pope
          breathing down my neck about miracles, and I got a country to run among other
          things.
Lilith:  Sounds like you need a little stress reliever.
          [Seductively rubs his chest and looks at him]
Satan: Exactly. To top things off, I got this Jesus thing to deal with.
Lilith:  I thought we killed him once before?
Satan: We did, but the fucker rose from the dead after a three-day drunken tirade through
           the City of Dis. Now he says I owe him or something.
Lilith:  I don't see you for a couple thousand years, and all I get is whining. Where's the guy
          who rode a river of lava through the streets of Pompeii just so he could get even heat
          on his marshmallows so they wouldn't burn on one side?
Satan: [Grins] Yeah, that was fun...
Lilith: Allright now, come over here and give some sugar to your favorite temptress.
Satan: [Kisses Lilith; Phone rings again] Goddamnit! I got to take this, one moment.
          [Answers phone]
          Bill, how's it going? Uh huh? Yep. Yep. Ok, did you clear your cookies? Ok, after
          you saw the blue screen, did you restart the computer? Ok, try that.
          [Makes a silly face as he counts the moments]
          That worked? Good deal, man. Hey, no problem, it's all part of the contract. Ok,
          talk to you later.
          [Hangs up]
          Ok, now where were we?
Lilith: Heating marshmallows....? [Smiles seductively]
Satan: Oh, yeah...[Leans in for a kiss; the phone rings again] Son of a bitch! This shit
          didn't happen when I wasn't doing this all myself. That's it.
          [Snaps his fingers; there's a knock at the door]
Lilith:  [Answering the door; talking to Satan] Oh, darling, you ordered room service....
Satan: Get in here and answer these calls, thrull!
Agent 665: [Phone continues to ring] Answer it yourself.
Satan: Listen, if you don't shut this ringing phone up I'm going to flay you over an open pit.
Lilith:  Satan, dearest, it appears you're busy....
Satan: No, just hold on, Lilith.
Agent 665: [Folds his arms] I don't care. Not until you apologize.
Lilith:  Ok, this is lame on so many levels.
          [Exits flipping the bird to Satan and slamming the door]
Satan: [Exasperated; stomping his feet] Damn, damn, damn,  DDDAAAAMMMNNN!
          [Shoots an angry stare at Agent 665 and points a finger] You! You're the cause
          of this!
Agent 665: Do what you will, but no apology, no help.
          [Closes his eyes in anticipation of being struck by Satan]
Satan: [Raising a fist to beat Agent 665 and then pausing] Ok, asshole, I'm sorry! Now, can
          you please just answer this damn phone?!
Agent 665: [Smiles, and takes the phone from Satan] Prince of Darkness, Lord of the Pit!...
          Absolutely not! Well, I'm afraid that will just have to do, Mister Ill. He is out of the
          office until Monday at the earliest...I don't care if you are the leader of North Korea!
          Ok, well, that is just rude. Good day, sir!
           ...
           I said good day, sir!
          [Hangs up]
Satan: Now, that's what I'm talking about!
Agent 665: You damn right it is.
Satan: NOW, I can get back to doing what I do best....
Agent 665: Space Invaders?
Satan: Damn right. You going to be player two?
Agent 665: What about Lilith?
Satan: She hates this thing.
Agent 665: Then, in that case, damn right!
          [Both sit down and grab a controller]
          This time you're going down!
Satan: In your dreams, cockboy!

[Fade to Black]
[End Scene III]
[End Act]

Invino Veritas
9/24/11
EOF

Devilishly Departmental: A Farce

[Scene I: The Throneroom]
[Satan is awaiting Agent 666]
[Enter Agent 666]

Agent 666: Father, the demoness Lilith awaits you in her cavern.
Satan: Excellent, my son. Maybe THIS time she'll have created a being evil enough to serve
          in my armies outside the boundaries of my domain.
Agent 666: Perhaps if you hadn't taken away her intelligence...
Satan: Don't question me, thrull! It was necessary to keep her at bay! We can't have
          powerful being just wandering the cosmos willy-nilly. That'd be silly!
Agent 666: But father, don't you wander the cosmos, and aren't you powerful?
Satan: Why, sure, but I'm usually back before 6:30 each night. The Australian version of  
          Baywatch comes on at 7:00. Can't miss that, you know!
Agent 666: Well, that's kind of hypocritical, don't you think?
Satan: What part about 'DEVIL' don't you get? I thought the [mockingly] powerful and craft
          Antichrist would be able to fathom THAT idea at least!
Agent 666: Yeah, yeah. [Mockingly quoting Satan] D plus evil spells you, I get it it already.
          [Makes a masturbatory gesture] But how in the pit is hypocrisy evil?
Satan: Because I said so! I am Satan. It comes with the job. He gets to decide what is good,
          and I decide what is evil.
Agent 666: That doesn't make something evil. Things are evil not because they are declared
          to be evil, but rather because they have an inrinsic property of being evil.
Satan: Enough already! [Mumbling] Kid thinks I don't know evil!
Agent 666: Well, whatever. Lilith is waiting.
Satan: Why don't you go to the lake of fire and play? I'll walk myself to Lilith's cavern.
Agent 666: I would probably take off those bunny slippers first. It doesn't really do much for
          your credibility as the Prince of Darkness.
Satan: [Looking] Oh, hmm. You may be right. [Pauses] On the other hand, that's what
          makes it SO evil! I'm so evil, I make MYSELF look bad! [Laughs maniacally]
Agent 666: [Rolling his eyes] I'd better stay and help you find your way. You might end up in
          New Jersey again, and I don't want to listen to you bitch for another century.
Satan: Well, New Jersey was just AWFUL. You don't know what it's like.
Agent 666: Father? Lilith?
Satan: Right. Lead on.

[Exit Satan and Agent 666]
[End of Scene I]

[Scene II: The City of Dis]
[Satan and Agent 666 are walking through the city on their way to Lilith's cavern]

Agent 666: If you want to get to Lilith's anytime soon, we can't stop in EVERY brothel
          in Hell on the way.
Satan: Why the Hell not?
[Enter Orcus]
Orcus: Satan! Great to see you! How are you?
Satan: Orcus, ole' buddy! How excellent to see you. How's Glasya? Still ugly as ever?
Orcus: Getting uglier everyday!
Satan: And little Agox?
Orcus: Uglier than Glasya!
Satan: Great! Too bad you're such a handsome devil! [Laughs with Orcus]
Agent 666: Good to see you again, Master Orcus, but we're on our way to Lilith's. I'm sorry,
          but we really must be going....
Satan: Oh, pshaw! We've got plenty of time. Besides, I haven't seen Orcus since Munich
          1972.
Orcus: Actually, I'm in a hurry as well. Just saw ou guys and wanted to say hello. I'm on my
          way to pick up some brimstone for the missus. We're a bit low.
Satan: Ahh, well, in that case, we'll be on our way.
[Enter Mephistopheles]
Mephistopheles: Satan, you old bastard, how are you!?
Satan: Mephistopheles! Older than you, you whippersnapper you!
Mephistopheles: And twice as pretty!
Satan: How else can I convince your mom to turn around?
[Each erupt in laughter]
Mephistopheles: Orcus, my old friend, and how are you? Still peddling magic tricks to
          children on All Hallow's Eve?
Orcus: Yeah, we've been recruiting pretty heavy this year.
Mephistopheles: Excellent! Get 'em while they're young!
Orcus: Exactly. Candy is such a great reinforcer.
Mephistopheles: [Looking at Satan's slippers] Nice slippers, chief.
Agent 666: I told you, father!
Satan: They are evil bunny slippers. Can't you tell? Orcus and I were just talking about
          how evil these things are just a few moments ago, weren't we, Orcus?
Orcus: Oh, yeah, definitely. Evil. That's it. Right down to the core. Mmmhmm.
Mephistopheles: [Guaging Satan and Orcus' intentions] Oh, you two! Damn tricksters!
          You really must join me sometime. You can usually find me at The Bloody Mic
          down on 3rd and Souless Way. I do a bit there on Wednesday nights.
Orcus: Sounds great!
Satan: That sounds like fun, old friend!
Agent 666: Yes, yes, but as for NOW, we really must be going....
Satan: I'm afraid the boy's right, fellas.
Orcus: Me too. Great to see you guys. Catch you on the flipside. [Exit Orcus]
Mephistopheles: Actually I was just on my way to shoot some ducks with the little
           demoness. Great to see you again, Satan.
Satan: Always a pleasure.
[Exit Mephistopheles]
Agent 666: Finally, we can get on our way!
Satan: Pipe down before I cause an Alluvian Spider's egg sac to erupt inside your
          eyeball again.
Agent 666: That was NOT funny.
Satan: Oh, but it was funny. Just ask the slippers. [Wiggles the slippers making the
           bunny ears flop]
Agent 666: Anyways, we're late. Come on.
Satan: Right-O!
[Exit Satan and Agent 666]

[End of Scene II]

[Scene III: Lilith's Cavern]
[Lilith. the mother of all demons, awaits Satan while dancing and listening to
        Cyndi Lauper's Girls Just Want To Have Fun]

[Enter Satan and Agent 666]

Satan: ....and THAT is where I hid Hoffa's body.
Lilith: [Startled; Turns off the music] Your majesty!
Satan: Ahh, Lilith! So fine that I should gaze upon your disgusting features once again.
          [Kisses her cheek]
Lilith: Oh! Your majesty!
Satan: Agent, I believe I can handle things now. Go find something to kill, but be back
          by six.
Agent 666: Umm, ok. [Bows to Lilith]
[Exit Agent 666]
Satan: Now, what have you created for me this time? Another agent, I hope?
Lilith: [Twitching nervously] Yes, sire, another agent. Behold....[Gesturing]...Agent 665!
Satan: Agent 665? You DO realize that we had passed that number already?
Lilith: Yes, your majesty. I thought since you were so adamant about using 666 the first
         time that you might want to start at 665 this time because, well, you know, you
         skipped it last time.
Satan: I also skipped zero through six-sixty-four. Do you plan to screw up 664 more
          times?
Lilith: Perhaps the sire would care to see some its features? [Claps her hands]
Satan: Holy shit, Lilith! My god, that's huge. Was that really necessary to put that on
          there?
Lilith: Yes, it was absolutely necessary, sire.
Satan: Well, ok for now, but I want that shrunk a few inches by the final draft.
Lilith: Yes, sire.
Satan: Ok, what else you got?
Lilith: Four spring rolls, a few grimoires, and a complete collection of Cyndi Lauper
         records from 1983 to the present.
Satan: No, I mean what else can this thing do? [Mumbling] Dumbshit.
Lilith: Oh! Yes, of course. Well, Agent 665 is pyrokinetic, electrokinetic, psychokinetic,
         telekinetic, and can use the entire spectrum of light to see if it chooses.
Satan: [Sarcastically] Oh, well THAT's useful. Finally, someone who can choose not to
          be able to detect anything and everything.
Lilith: [Mumbling, speaking quickly] and hehasgreatstamina....
Satan: What?
Lilith: Hmm?
Satan: [Dismissing Lilith's comment] Well, [Sighs] I guess you can send it over tomorrow.
          But if it isn't evil enough this time, I'm afraid we'll just have to have you mulched
          and spread over the death flowers in the great hall.
Lilith: As you wish, sire.
Satan: In the meantime and since we ended early...[Snaps his fingers]
[Fade to Black]
Lilith: Sire? Are those bunny slippers?
[Begin song Just A Gigolo by David Lee Roth.]
[End Scene III]
[End Act]


Invino Veritas
8/9/11
EOF